In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
