all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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