Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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