btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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