i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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