You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
