Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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