I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
