i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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