Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
