hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You left your phone here
Wait...
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