They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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