Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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