So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
