Nicole vs. Life
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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