My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
