i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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