just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
