life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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