onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I looked at my own cervix.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
