Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
