I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
