DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
