as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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