i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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