This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
