It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
