does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
