i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
