My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
