Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
