I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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