spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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