I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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