I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
