I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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