Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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