In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
