so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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