she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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