I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
