I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
