I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
