you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
