Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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