Michael Bay diarrhea
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
