I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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