I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
