Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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