My liver just broke up with me...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
